Latest Entries »

Awesome Giveaway

I don’t do this but I really really like today’s giveaway. I have been waiting for a set of runes for years, because I knew if they didn’t come to me on their own they wouldn’t really be mine.
I read this one particular blog when I have time and I just adore her, she makes me laugh, gives me hope, and educates me in many ways.  Go check out Confessions of a Pagan Soccer Mom.  She is hosting a 31 Days of Halloween Haunted Blog Tour.   Everyday you can read a new blog with Halloween stories and they blog are all decorated for Halloween and I am just amazed at all the creative, talented, motivated, inspired people there are out there.  Each day there are giveaways sponsored by these amazing people.  Beautiful, original, and just fabulous stuff.  To be honest some days I feel so blah compared to what these people can do and others I feel inspired, if they can do that why can’t I.  I see people embracing the life I am making a path too and it feels me with such hope.

So go check her out, you might learn something new, get some inspiration, or even win an awesome new trinket to treasure.

Good Luck and Blessed Be.

This is a copy of my most recent philosophy assignment.  It was just an overview of what we found important in the last 4 chapters we read.

The mind/body problem seems to be a highly important point in this lesson.  It is the relationship of the mind to the body and could be considered one of the core issues in philosophy of mind.[i] Can the mind affect the body?  Are they even separate things?  Can they exist separately?   These are some of the questions posed by this topic.  Philosophers have been searching for an answer to this for thousands of years and no quantifiable and reasonable answer is in sight.  There wasn’t a single school of thought that I can say I agreed with completely or that caused me to question my previous beliefs.  I personally believe that we all have a soul or consciousness that is the essence of who we are, but that we also are influenced by the biological aspects of our bodies such as genetics and hormones.  I believe our thoughts can affect our body, that the mind and body are separate things and that they can exists separately but not in the same way they do operating together.

Many insights into human nature and the outlook of one’s purpose in life can stem from the many theories related to this problem.  Do we continue after our body dies?  If not then why should people work to get into heaven or some such similar place?  Can a robot be a person?  What separates a mechanical body from a human one?    Can we heal our bodies with our mind?  These are other questions that relate to the mind/body problem.  The idea of Heaven is a central part of some people’s lives, so the idea that their mind might not be separate from their body could be detrimental to their whole belief system.    These questions and many others are why this topic is of such importance.

The second key point in this lesson is the idea or theory of Determinism.  ”The view that every event has a cause and that everything in the universe is absolutely dependent on and governed by causal laws. Since determinists believe that all events, including human actions, are predetermined, determinism is typically thought to be incompatible with free will.”[ii] One of the strongest and most influential philosophers that supported determinism absolutely was Sigmund Freud.   His particular brand of determinism is called Freudianism.  This theory states that personality is both conscious and unconscious, that one’s behavior is largely determined by the unconscious primal drive, early childhood, and the interplay of the three parts of the personality, which are named the Id, Ego and superego. [iii] I found that most of his ideas made perfect sense and I even completely agreed with him on many points that were contained in our chapter reading.  I have been learning in the last few years just how much my mother has shaped not only who I am but how I think, react and feel about numerous things.  I feared her as a child and now that we have moved back in with her that fear has resurfaced and I live my life in an almost constant state of panic or fear of upsetting her.

Not only did I find this topic important because of Freud’s huge influence on psychology, philosophy and even pop culture but because of the path he opened up for people to learn more about themselves.  Allowing people to look back and see where certain habits started and how they affect one’s life is a powerful tool.  Also the three parts of the personality show us how complicated we are and how much really comes into play in our everyday lives.  But I don’t see this as a end all be all, these things don’t determine who I am going to be, they just allow me to see what needs to be fixed in order to evolve more as a person.   So even though I agree with many points I would not consider myself a determinist.

The final significant point in this lesson is that of Free Will.  Free will is a very broad idea.  “Let us then understand free will as the capacity unique to persons that allows them to control their actions.”[iv] Free will is easier to accept and believe in, in comparison to determinism, but it is harder to prove or show evidence of.  Once again I do not completely see eye to idea with any one philosopher.  I appreciate and agree with Aristotle’s focus on responsibility, but think he over looks how strong emotions can really be. William James’s idea that as long as there are two viable choices then we have two probable outcomes makes sense.  But his thought process is a bit off for me, just because an idea is comfortable or practical doesn’t make it correct.  At first I thought existentialism or that our nature is determined by the actions we choose to do was how I believed but the more I read the similar it was.[v] I agree that in looking back through a series of chooses that you can see where one choose put you into a situation that left you with no power to choose.  But I don’t agree to the extreme he takes it, there are too many factors that affect us for us to be 100% free all the time.  You can’t consider 20 steps or so ahead of every tiny decision you make and imagine every possible outcome, it would drive one crazy.  Then there is Albert Ellis who believes that our thoughts are which give or take away freedom.  If we change the way we think we can change the way we act.  I agree with this but not as a complete answer to the idea of Free Will vs. Determinism.

Free will is something most people just assume they have, they don’t question their ability to make their own choices.  This is an important part of philosophy because whether it is true or not, evaluating our idea of free will and what it means to us, or what the lack of it could mean to our lives could be life changing.  Free will makes us responsible for our actions; it makes us responsible for our future, and our character.  Whether or not we are free and what that means to us as individuals as well as societies are factored into many parts of our lives.  It is considered in school, work, relationships and even the laws of our culture.  If the previous mentioned philosophers are completely wrong and we have no choose in our actions then the very fabric of our lives would change drastically.

The mind/body problem and the debate over determinism and free will are all integral parts of philosophy.  I for one actually consider these things on close to a daily basis.  The idea of mind over matter is a struggle for me, I believe in it but practicing that belief I find rather hard.  I struggle to let go of the chains of control my mother has over me.  I know they are there but I am trying to show myself I am an adult now and her pride and acceptance are not integral to my life.  I know that if I change my though patterns I can become a happier person and do my best to recognize the negative thought and change them to positive ones.  I accept responsibility for my actions including the fact that I sometime wrong blame others when the choice was really mine.  I also believe that genetics play a role in our lives but that we can overcome some of that as well.  But where it gets really hairy for me to decide between the two is that I also believe we are shaped by our past lives and some of this life’s path is set by us before we entered into this life in order to give us opportunities to evolve into a more enlightened being.   So in way, certain parts of this life are predetermined but that choose was ours, just while we were in another form.   I enjoyed this lesson, it gave me a chance to reevaluate my beliefs and in the end re strengthen them.

I really do want to blog more regularly, but I just haven’t managed it.  Time is one reason, lack of organization is another.  Plus I have these great ideas when I am not able to get to the computer or even write things down and when I do finally get the chance it is all gone.  Words that just might sound great flow through my mind as I stock shelves at work, or at 3:30 am as I drive alone in the dark and quiet to work.  Sometimes as I do dishes or cook dinner but if I stopped to write I would never get those things done.  Another reason is a lot of times I can only think about what is wrong and what I can’t fix and I get tired of complaining all the time.  So I am waiting for some positive inspiration to write about.

So if you are trying to follow me don’t give up.  I will post more when I can, and hopefully one day it will come easier to me and be a part of my routine.

My New Voice

So I have been doing soul searching, seeking a path for spiritual as well as personal growth.  I have been hashing things out in my marriage.  I have been trying to eat wiser.  I have been getting 2-5 days of exercise in a week.  I have lost 2o lbs since the New Year.  I started taking online classes.  I am trying to take responsibility for myself and my happiness.

I have learned how to let go of some things, but others I am struggling with.  Looking really deep I am seeing that I have ALOT of anger, I mean scary, we are lucky I haven’t ran some one over amounts of anger.  It has been so bad that I can be mad at everyone for everything.  I have been mad at my husband, my mother, my father, my sister, my friends, and other un-categorized people who I am soo not ready to talk about yet.

So since I couldn’t find ways of releasing all of that, I kept looking deeper.  Finally it occurred to me that I am really mostly angry at my self.  I am mad at all these people for not doing what I want or think they should do, but I have never told them what I wanted or what I think or even how I feel.  So how could they know?  Now I am not saying everyone is blameless but me, some people are just thoughtless.   I am also not saying that everyone should do what I want and think what I think. What I am saying is that I don’t speak up, I never say no, or that bothers me, or you hurt my feelings, or I feel unappreciated, or why is everyone sitting around while I do everything?!?  So from now on, I am gonna tell them when it hurts, when I am uncomfortable, and I am gonna say no, and I am not gonna feel guilty.

I have visited a few Pagan blogs and have gotten a few ideas about how to embrace my spirituality more completely.  One of those involves, Autumn, a time of release and endings as well as new moons, a time of rebirth, a time to release your monthly wishes out into the universe.  Today is a New Moon and it is in September.  I am using this time to release my anger that is no longer serving me, and wishing for and embracing my new voice.  A voice that won’t mousily hope someone will remember to think of me, A voice that will honor herself and others while saying respectfully no.

Honestly I am kinda scared, seriously after 31 years of being quiet how am I gonna do this?  But you know what I kinda like fear, so I can just embrace it too.

This is my first assignment for my philosophy class.  I was suppose to write 2 paragraphs on: What my philosophy of life is and 2 on why that is and how it leads me to lead a good life and how it leads me to the meaning of life.

So here it is, please go easy on me, I haven’t been in school or written anything but blogs in 10 years.

I am not sure what my philosophy of life is. At this moment in life my beliefs have been a bit shaken. I had once believed in the “go with the flow, whatever happens, live and let live” philosophy. Through my marriage and raising my children, one of whom has autism, my viewpoints have changed. My philosophy of life now, and on some level always has been, that all things are connected and we should act upon that.

Everything has energy. All that energy is connected in some shape or form. How we humans treat others affects not only them but ourselves as well. Negative reactions hurt all and positive ones help all. The energy of the sun, stars, moon, and earth has affects on each other as well as on all living creatures. Tides, storms, earthquakes, and weather patterns are some of the more apparent outcomes of their energy. Our energies affect them and they in turn affect us. It may not be as obvious as human connections can be, but the connection is still there. I believe that even places or locations have an energy. It may be due to the earth, such as a pulling that is stronger in one area or events or people that once shared that space, leaving residual energy. Houses, lakes, mountains, monuments, all these things absorb and give off energy. Which is why some places feel different than others, or that in some locations people are angrier or there are more accidents than others and in other areas people are healed constantly. Everything gives off and takes away energy from everything else, some take more than others, some give more than others, but it is all connected.

After some thought I realize that I have no recollection of where my beliefs came from, so I am unsure as to why I believe them. I have always had a sense of just “knowing” even as a child and young adult. I left my mother’s church because it felt wrong, the things they said didn’t make “sense” to me. I tried out different churches over many years till I found one that worked. No one told me what to believe I just one day heard some thing here or there that just made sense, or I said to myself “Yes! That is what I have been wanting to say!”. But for as long as I can remember the underlying understanding has just been there with me. I have and still do get clarification and guidance from my Aunt who is a channel and who is the one who opened my mother, sister, and I up to metaphysics. This is rather difficult for me to put into words, I am likely leaving things out. It is like trying to put something very personal and intangible into words, like how a peach tastes or what the color blue is to me. That is one of the reasons I am taking this class, to gain words to share and explain my beliefs more coherently and accurately.

I have really never questioned the meaning of life. There may have been a few low dark moments when I pondered it, but never deeply, more like throwing a tantrum at the universe. If you had asked what is the meaning of life, I would reply to grow, to learn, to become enlightened in thought and action. So my belief that all things are connected applies to this, in that you have to learn to act in a loving manner so all your actions affect others in a healthy, loving, and respectful way. By being mindful of how your words, thoughts and actions affect everything around you. Which in turn leads you to living a good life. Your relationships will be full-filling for all involved, you will be happy, and those you love will feel loved, respected and honored. Love begets love, happiness begets happiness, respect, honor, etc. Now, I know these things are not absolute, and not everyone will be happy because you are, not everyone will feel loved by the way you love, but in general it is works out pretty nicely. Now please keep in mind I am not enlightened, I have not learned to be mindful of all my thoughts, deeds, and words. I am, however, striving ever so slowly to get there.

So there is this philosophy in life that only you are in control of your feelings, (which yes I agree with) but I have issues that others actions and words aren’t suppose to effect you, it is not in my capacity to understand, It translates to something like F-You, you can’t touch me or you don’t matter I don’t need or want you. Which I have a hard time believing I am suppose to apply to my husband or sister or mother.

I understand that I am responsible for how I act upon my feelings but I don’t get how I am suppose to not allow a person I love completely to hurt me. Especially when they do it over and over and over, intentionally or because they can’t see past their own needs or they put everyone else’s feelings above mine.

So one of my goals is to deal with these feelings in a way that still honors me, as well as those that I love.  In a way that teaches us and helps our relationship grow.

I am human, not a robot with no feelings or reactions, not even a cyborg even though that does sound kinda tempting at times.  A flesh and blood, living, breathing female woman.  Most of my loved ones probably wouldn’t even love me if I wasn’t.

So should I act like what I am or role play as a robot?  That may make life easier on some if I did, but what kind of life would that be?

How is this Love?

How can he truly love me when he is so angry at me?  How can he love me when he blames everything on me, has so little faith or trust in me, or thinks I am such a unthoughtful, mean person?  How can he leave me alone with his children all day if he thinks all these things and more?

When is love not enough? I use to think Never but time has changed that, when is it better to just let go?  Do vows mean anything anymore?  To Love and to Honor, forsaking ALL others?  Richer or Poorer, Sickness and Health? Are those JUST words?

Giving up isn’t really in my nature but I am not sure my family and I can afford me to hold on?

How can I feel sooo good and hopeful about one thing yet so horribly down and full of despair about another?

I need help, guidance, support something.   I don’t know how much more I can take from him.  I don’t know what I am suppose to do.

I know he is depressed and that it isn’t like when I was, that it has been there forever and is almost a part of him, I know his anger isn’t really always at me.

But I am sick of how he treats me, how he never full fills his promises, how he twists everything around on me and blames me, uses me and hurts me.

I hate how I let him because I don’t know how else to love him.  I can’t even tell the difference between his realness and his falseness because I want him to be happy so much and I look for any glimmer of hope and cling to it blindly.  I hate how I am not capable of giving him space because it scares me to much.  I am full of so much hate and anger and I try to talk to him but he turns it around causes me to feel guilty. Says he can’t ever make me happy and it is never enough.  Which I can see how he feels that way but I can’t back down anymore.  It didn’t get up anywhere.  He has to understand I am not going to sit back and let him get away with all this hiding, lie-ing, betrayal, neglect.  with giving an inch and expecting a mile in return.

I feel like he is purposely trying to see how far I will bend, how much I will take, how forgiving i can be, he is like a 3 year old testing his boundaries but using a butcher knife not cute little fingers.

I keep being told to leave him, kick him out, send him away. But I can’t, not for practical reasons and because I love him so freakin much I really just want him better, I just don’t want to lose more of me or risk the kids in the process.

I want to just sit back and wait it out and see what happens but I am so hurt and angry myself I can barely contain it.

I am sending out a life line, please help me out.

Groceries

One would think that making a grocery list wouldn’t be so hard. I usually love making lists, but lately making a grocery list is like an impossible ordeal.
I have to review what we have, see how many meals we need stuff to make , have a basic menu plan, and review all the ads and coupons. Then create a list to get all we need, with in a budget, that will make 4 adults, 2 kids, a cat, and 2 dogs happy. Also think of lunches, snacks and try to remember myself who is home all day who somehow has nothing to eat.
THen cut and organize coupons, as well as research and print ones from the computer, try to get the list down to 2 or 3 stores max to get the best deals, including the cost of time and gas.
Somehow I also forget stuff anyways and remember to bring and USE to the cloth bags. THen find a day where I can have a car, no kids and money all at the same time.
Ok yes now I am just looking for things to complain about, but I just wanted to get it all out there. There should be a class in grocery shopping.
I know and I am grateful we can even afford food let alone meat. I just sometimes get tired at having to try so hard to save money and get the best deal and only get what we need but also make everyone happy and satisfied.
Normally my list seems endless but today I can’t seem to think of anything we need other than staples and some meat. I don’t know if that is cause we are still pretty stocked up or if my brain has shut down without warning. 

Well I never got this posted before the actual shopping, but My list did stay  rather small, but my mother went shopping with me so, some how I didn’t save any money.  

I do need to come up with a better way to make my lists though, so any ideas would be greatly appreciated.

*I posted this as a Facebook note earlier but I thought I would add it here as well.

So I wanted to blog today. Not because I had a worthy topic but because I wanted to at least try to be creative.

  Today was an average day. I woke up with the kids, let beloved sleep in cause he hasn’t been sleeping much or well. Got Aidan on the bus for school and hung out with Evan. Once Beloved got up we had a nice simple time, talking and just getting on with our day till he had to go to work. Evan and I played trains, watched Chuggington, and had lunch, we both got some computer time in as well. Now Aidan is home and we are waiting for his speech therapist to arrive. I am trying everyday to be a little better in some way shape or form. Like extra chore, or actually get dressed, do something creative, play more with the kids, or expand my mind. Somedays I do ok or ever rather well, then other days I barely make it through. I am ether completely obsessively thinking about how I can make it all better or I just don’t give a flying rats keister. If I get into that kinda mood it goes on for days on end. I want to be loving, confident, desirable, well thought of, calm, and capable. I want to do more far Aidan, and for Evan as well. But what i really really really want and all I can think about is getting back what I have lost, it is twisted into every thought I have. Sometimes I prefer the days of not caring, not cause the thoughts go away, but because I can tell them to frak off, that if no one else seems to care then why should I? Not that that gets me far cause that voice comes in and says that it only matter what I can and 2 wrongs don’t make a right, and lalalala. I have these 2 sides, one is very very vengeful, angry, selfish and kinda a little evil and one is all fair, logical, way too giving and hates to make waves. The 2nd usually wins, but leaves me feeling unsatisfied and even betrayed. Ohh I just had a thought, maybe I can bribe myself with a lil “evil” now and then if I can do more of the better stuff on a more regular basis. Ok well now that this has gotten way off the non existent topic it never started with. I will go for now. Thanks allowing me to rant.

Moving On

My situation is improved and improving.   We have agreed to a clean slate.  To let go and move on. 

Things aren’t grand and I still have doubts and worries, but I know that will dissipate with time.  I have learned that I lost trust in him, through not only his actions or lack there of but also from my own insecurities.  I have gained 2 kids and 40 pounds in the 6 years we have been married.  I was never a very secure person before but now it is like I feel everyone scowling at how fat, frumpy, and idiotic I am.  Which is another blog all together but still holds some responsibility for my lack of trust.

So we are moving on, we are going to treat each other better, with more love, respect and consideration.  We aren’t going to bring up the past ever again.  We are gonna spend quality time together as a couple and as a  family, we are gonna do active things together for our health, self images and each other and our kids.  We are gonna make real goals, with plans, budgets and agreements.

I am forcing my self to think a positive thought every time I catch my self being negative.  (way hard to do)  I am gonna be less needy but at the same time a lil more out spoken.  I am gonna make sure I treat him how I expect and want to be treated, and to put him and the kids before all others.  Show him I love and respect him everyday even if with the smallest of actions. 

Beloved is going to limit contact with the catalyst of all this.  

We still have a lot of talking to do and this isn’t going to be a breeze, I know. 

You get what you give so I am going to give this, my marriage all that I can have to give because I want it to work and work well, more than anything else in the world.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.