Flummoxed

I feel lost, mislead, abandoned, and angry.  I also feel a fool, frustrated and used up.

I had no plan when I sat down to write tonight, just have so much in my head needed to let some out.   I ignored my instincts and didnt voice them in time because I was afraid of what he would think.  Now he thinks just what I was afraid he would think.

…..

Ok well I started that 2 days ago and got distreacted by a kid and never finished.   It is amazing how things an change.    I can’t say things are perfect but better and looking brighter. 

Right now I am waiting on a counselor from a state agency for my oldest son.  She is 20 min late so far.  I begged my hab provider to come in to help and now the counselor isnt even showing.  My point was this could get distracted at any given moment..or it may not.

It feels good to know that telling the truth and not holding back can actually help.  It was scary.  But it worked out well, at least from my current perspective.  There are still things to talk about and bumps to work out.   

I feel better and more hopeful than I have in a very long time…

So it has been a little over a week since I left off, and I am back to being flummoxed.  Faith in one you love is a very tricky thing.  Not coddling the one you love is as well. 

I want to not be reasonable and too just not care, but I can’t.    How is it someone can be mad at you for being mad at them and you feel like the bad one, and they get off scott free and the issue is never resolved?  How much is enough giving and how much is enough settling?  When everyone you ask says he is wrong, then where do you go from there?

These are just some of the questions I am going over to no avail.

I found this quote some where and really liked it, I want to be more like this quote.

–Life isn ‘t about waiting for the storm to pass, it is about learning to dance in the rain.

Year of Me

So, I need to start being creative.  This isn’t a new development but one i keep ignoring, pushing back, or just not even acknowledging in anyway.   This year is going to be about me.  Both kids are getting the help they need whether they need it or not.  Beloved is a grown man and can take care of himself.  No more catering to everyone around me, no more making myself last in not only my eyes but everyone in my life as well. 

Things I need to do for me, well there are the obvious, eat better exercise, see the dr, have alone time ect.  Then there is the other, acknowledge my wants, needs desires, they may not all be doable, practical  or affordable, but they are still valid.  Give my self an outlet for my anger, my happiness, my frustration, my guilt, my spirituality and even my dreams.

My apologies in advance for those who may read this.  This I hope will be one of the outlets for all those things.  So I may selfishly  rant and rave and complain, cry and maybe even brag here.  Just be forewarned.

Now don’t worry I won’t neglect anyone, not in any way that will be harmful to them at least, but I am going to allow them to learn to fend for themselves and teach them that you have to care for and love your self before you can truly give your best to others.

Well that is all I have for now, my 3 year old is gonna kill himself on hid dads roller blades if I don’t get up and save him soon.  Ok never mind he decided it wasn’t the best idea all on his own 🙂 

So I also need to learn to over come my excuses and obstacles, like how freakin tired I ALWAYS am, how my hours suck, how out of shape and overweight I am, how my mother is absolute nuts and beyond hard to deal with let alone live with, how our financial situation completely blows, and how my Beloved is well just himself  and I can’t change that, I can’t keep being torn over wanting to, and well he has to decided for himself to change for him self and not for me or the kids.    

Ok I got that off my chest, I am pretty sure all of it will come back up in the future but it felt good to get it out. 

My goal is to be a more zen like person, and to be more than just the mom, wife, daughter, sister, and employee I currently am.  I want to not cause waves but not get washed away by others as well.  I want my marriage to get back on track, as well as be a better mother and wife by being a better me.  I want to dance, take pictures, and laugh.